Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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