Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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