i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
