your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
