Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
