Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
