oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i think i just lost a toe
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
