you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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