if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
