There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
