I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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