dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
