I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
