I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
