I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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