They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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