I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
