I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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