When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
