Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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