my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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