I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
