K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
