Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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