i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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