Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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