Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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