a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
