Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
