I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
