I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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