Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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