Define "chronic" masturbator.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
