We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
