so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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