Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
