Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
