sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
