when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
