ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
