just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
