Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Someone signed my nipple.
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