I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
