WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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