his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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