I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
