Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
