I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
