he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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