So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
