DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
