About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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