Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
where are my eyebrows?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
