she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
