I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
